Rise of the Villagers

How many times have you heard the phrase, “It Takes a Village,” and thought, “nah, I can do this all on my own.”

I’d imagine not very many, but if you have, maybe you can share some tips with the rest of us.

You see, we know we need help. Our ancestors needed help, which is why they relied on each other and established that “village” mentality. Our friend group, mom group, PTA group, work group, or whichever group you belong to, probably leans on one another in order to achieve their shared or individual goals.

I wonder why it’s so hard to actually ask for the help?

Have you ever felt weak, less than, or not enough when you can’t:

·       Do it all?

·       Plan all of the family functions?

·       Be at all the events?

·       Figure out all of the problems?

~Fix all of the problems?

·       Insert any challenge, struggle, or other life issue here….

I recently learned about something called, “toxic independence.” Lots of people may be able to relate to this on different levels, and I am no different. Toxic independence is sometimes referred to as hyper-independence; the latter typically results from a traumatic situation in one’s earlier years.

Of course, we all want to be independent, and teach our kids how to be independent, right? How can this be a bad thing?

Toxic Independence is what happens when your independence starts to get in the way of your relationships, your ability to effectively communicate your needs, wishes and/or desires, and prevents you from acknowledging that you don’t need to do all the things or be all the people.

Like so many things, to a certain point, independence is absolutely NOT a bad thing. However, when independence prevents you from accepting and/or asking for help, a line (in your mind) has been crossed.

Thinking independently, problem-solving, establishing boundaries, and feeling confident are all excellent traits that we value as parents, friends, partners, and even as a culture. The red flags of crossing into toxic territory is when thinking independently and problem solving starts to look like someone who is unable to relinquish control, without feeling totally defeated. When establishing healthy boundaries becomes closing people out and pushing feelings down, the person who formally identified as confident, may now look more like someone who is reaching for a position of power.

When someone starts to lose control of what’s happening around them, or even within them, they hold on to whatever they can, which often leads to more internalizing, avoidance, and isolation.

Asking for help is a sign of strength…..

I repeat, for those that didn’t hear me the first time,

ASKING FOR HELP IS A SIGN OF STRENGTH.

In order to make the village work, there has to be a level of trust, permission to be vulnerable, and strength-based support within the villagers.

The villagers have to support one another’s strengths so that they can rise to success as a whole. The villagers need to be patient and kind, and sometimes just listen.

Please take the time to reach out to your village, whomever they are, and remind each other that you are all enough. You are not less than.  You are perfectly imperfect, and your vulnerability will make you stronger.