Changing your thoughts
What’s the big deal? Your thoughts are your thoughts, and that’s it, right? Ummmm, no….not really. I had a conversation with a “like-a-mom” professional therapist. When I asked her if what I was feeling was okay, she said, “sure, your feelings are totally appropriate with the thoughts you’re having.”
Boom, I’m feeling good, right….and then she says, “so, change your thoughts if you want to have different feelings.”
Umm, excuse me, what? What is this change you speak of? My thoughts are there, and there’s nothing I can do about them….or is there?
The good news is, yes…..but it will take some work.
Managing my thoughts seemed like it would be easier than managing my emotions….but it was not then and is not now. The truth is, our emotions, our feelings, they are a direct result of our thoughts. Our thoughts elicit an emotional response, and that results in a feeling. I don’t like feeling sad, angry, frustrated, overwhelmed….okay, well, why do we feel those things?
Because of our thoughts!!
Perhaps the story started with, I’m so overwhelmed. I have so much to do. I’ll never get it all done. Well, yeah…how can you possibly feel something other than overwhelmed when you have the thoughts of feeling beat down, defeated, and exhausted. What if your thought was, I have a lot to do. I’m so glad I’m a planner. I’m going to make a list and check off each thing I need to do.
Or…..Man, this could be fun….I’m going to challenge myself by creating to-do windows for each task. How long will it take me to get this dreaded laundry put away…..
If I give myself all day, it will take all day. If I give myself a window of 30 minutes, am I committed enough to get it done? If I don’t, am I a failure at life? If I don’t, where might I have done something different?
Not a failure….I repeat, not a failure.
This is a lot to unpack and really changes the majority of our regular minds. First of all, having feelings of genuine sadness may be something we have to sit in for a little bit, whether we like it or not. However, what we do with those thoughts and feelings is entirely up to us.
Something sad happens…wait no, something happens.
Read that again..
Something happens, not happy or sad….
Something Happens, a thing happens.
A thing happens that is neither good nor bad, but we perceive that as one way or the other. Our perception leads to our thought, which leads to our feeling/emotional response, and then we do something that helps us or hurts us.
This is not rocket science, but it is really hard to accept, adjust, and reformat.
When things happen, we choose a thought, which elicits an emotional response. The End.
I mean, not really the end, there’s so much more meat in this process, but for real, it can be simplified into the following: something happens, I have a thought, and then I have an emotional response.
If we don’t like the response, we have to change the thought. This is where it gets tricky because if you’re not totally sold on this concept, you’ll forget you have options, and when the tragic self steps in with it’s “whoa is me” mentality….
You nearly fall apart…every. single. time.
You don’t have to do this alone. This may be easier if you are part of a group, a program, or even have some personalized guidance. Sometimes, you just need a friend to help dump your thoughts verbally. Sometimes, you can vomit your feelings onto a pen and paper or by typing them into the computer.
Just. Get. Them. Out.
When they stay, they build strength…like a slow moving hurricane. No good happens here.
Get them out, look at them when you’ve had some time to breathe, or sit in your feelings, and then reassess. What is the neutral fact that led you to your thought? What is another way to look at it? Can you channel your inner Care Bear and find a positive version of this same happenstance?
This is where the work comes in heavy, and the small changes are able to shine through.